The Smell That Stayed

Content Warning: This story contains recounts of drug use and pornography addiction. If you aren’t in the headspace to read this right now, please skip this one and come back if and when you feel ready.

“After my divorce, I started to date - it was amazing. Like amazing. I just had the best time dating all these random people. Then I met Mark, and I don't know what it was about him. He was the first person that I was just madly obsessed with. Totally, totally madly obsessed with him. I hadn't ever had that. And he was the same with me. I loved it because he had tattoos. I love tattoos. I loved him.

We were having lots of fun, plus, a bonus, he had motorbikes. I was just experiencing all of these things that I hadn't experienced before. And he was so good to me in the beginning. I love someone that gives me a gift. I would get gifts and I would be treated really lovely. 

We were together for three years - short, but long enough. After maybe twelve months we moved in with each other. He would work away. 

I don't remember the first time that I saw that he had ice. He must have just come back with it from work - I think one of his friends was a dealer. But I didn't know for a good while. We went away for the weekend and then he brought this thing out. I was like, what the hell is that? It was a little tin and inside all wrapped up was this rock....then he brought out this little pipe and I was like, what is that? I actually didn't know what ice was. I didn't know what kind of drug it was. I  had to Google it. 

“I remember feeling really uncomfortable. But it wasn't hurting me. He wasn't hurting me… So, I accepted it.”

He was smoking it while we were at the coast and I thought, f*****g hell... I remember feeling really uncomfortable. But it wasn't hurting me. He wasn't hurting me.  At this time it was just the start of the ice pandemic in our region, but I actually didn't see a problem with it because he was just being normal. So, I accepted it.  

Little parcels started coming in the mail. There were little vials of steroids, and you could tell because he then started to get into bodybuilding. As time went on, I would see him inject himself with it. And I just hated it. I thought it was disgusting. I could always tell when he was doing it, because that’s when he would get really bad acne on his back. If he said he wasn't doing it, I f*****g knew he was doing it anyway. 

On we go, and he's just getting more and more bold with these drugs. He eventually ended up not being able to get out of bed.. I s**t you not - for a week!! The room would be black. He would not get up for a whole week. He wouldn't even come out if people came over. It was so depressing for me.

During this time, I was trying to make him promise me he would never do it again. Stop doing it, blah, blah, blah. But then he would just get up in the middle of the night. If I put my arm over towards him during the night and he wasn’t there, instantly I got this gut wrenching, sinking feeling in my stomach because I  knew he was out there smoking drugs. On top of that, the ice addiction made him addicted to other things as well. From what I know now, p**n addiction is a typical one for ice users to get and so that was now his new routine. From when I left for work until I got home that evening, he would smoke drugs and watch p**n. When I got home, that f*****g carpet deodoriser smell would have been sprayed everywhere, and that's how I knew for sure what he was doing. The smell of lube would also be in the house. It's disgusting. The smell of this particular carpet deodoriser takes me straight back to lies, ice smoking and p**n. 

“The p**n stuff made me feel like I wasn't good enough. ‘What is wrong with me that you have to do that?”

I developed body issues. The p**n stuff made me feel like I wasn't good enough. What is wrong with me that you have to do that? It also makes you feel really dirty. Not good enough in all senses of the word. It even affected my relationship afterwards.  When it came to intimate times, I instantly would go straight into my shell and like, no, no, no. Go away from me. I think I had sexual trauma out of it. And the only way that I would feel safe to be intimate is if it was my decision, I decided, and I was in the right headspace and feeling comfortable. It took years, literally years for me to feel good with that. It was from the pressure. He would watch p**n and then he would put that pressure on me.

During this [time] he got more bold, and the entire last year of our relationship I found out he was cheating on me. I was so against all of the drug use and porn so he found somebody that was totally fine with it. She had three little kids. She's now lost all her kids because she's now addicted to ice. So sad. I found out he was cheating on me because she reached out to me at the end of their fling to tell me that Mark told her I was his cousin living with him and that’s why she wasn't able to go to his house! Like what the f**k?!

Our house was raided, too. Knocks at the door, and I look out the window, and there's an unmarked car pulled up with about four or five big blokes, knocking on the door asking for Mark. He wasn't home. The cops identified themselves and advised that they needed to search the place for methamphetamines.  I was like, holy f*****g hell. At that point, I think he told me that he wasn't doing it anymore. So, for me, I was like, yes, come on in!!  It was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. I just had undies and a big shirt on. They didn't find anything.  I rang Mark afterwards and he came home straight away. He went straight to the garage, which said to me that there would have been something hidden in there!

“By the end of it, you could just tell that he was dodgy...but I was in it.  I was in this life and I'm living with this person. And I almost didn’t see a way out.”

I think I was a bit more cautious after that and grateful that I never got involved. By the end of it, you could just tell that he was dodgy...but I was in it.  I was in this life and I'm living with this person. And I almost didn’t see a way out.  I  remember sitting on the couch one day and just thinking, is this it? Other people are out there having an amazing life and I wondered if this was it for me.  We didn't even really talk. We talked in the beginning, but it wasn't a normal relationship by the end. I did tell him, ‘I know what you've been [doing].’ I would get mad.  ‘I know what you're f*****g doing all day.’ And he would look at me and just swear black and blue.

One afternoon he said that he went to apply for the firies... and yet I could see that he had a bottle of lube in his pocket!!!  I even went and sat outside the [fire station] to see if he was there as more proof to myself that what I knew was the truth.

Apparently he's now fat, which I don't hate… He's been in and out of rehab a few times. You know what I did do, though? I did contact Crime Stoppers and told them absolutely every single bit of information I knew. I told them how the drugs arrived, I told them about his little hidey places,  I told them the names of the people I think gave it to him. He even had special software on his computer, it was like a trojan thing where it would redirect your IP address to somewhere else so he could buy off illegal sites....so yeah, I told them all about that. Dobbed him in, mate. Dobbed him in.”

- Brooke, 34